I thought it would be easy, once I got HIM out of my life. Instead it seems as thought there’s nothing to look forward to.  The joy I felt has left with him. What the fuck is wrong with me? He was a prick, controlling, always playing head games, evil…. I was miserable.  I stayed strong even though he was relentless in his determination to win me back over. But I knew the reason behind that and it sure as hell wasn’t the LOVE he so exuberantly professed to me; AFTER my father’s death and the revelation that I was going to become quite financially comfortable. No, that had nothing to do with it. He always felt that way, he just couldn’t feel free enough to tell me. But now that I was no longer dependent on him for my needs, he could express himself as he had been longing to do for some time.  Sounds good, huh? Well, that’s the kind of guy he was. Oh so good with the words… the ‘gift of gab’, you might say. Hell, may as well. He sure as hell said it enough. There was a time when I felt he could have charmed the panties off a nun, that’s how good he was.  But you know there comes a time when your true self has to come out from hiding, and when his did, it wasn’t very nice. In fact, it was downright ugly. So now I’m at a loss. He had been the focus of my existence for several or more years, literally! And even though it was my decision to end it, it has left a void that has nothing to sustain it. I’m drifting along, an observer, a body if you must, taking up space and filling in the gaps of other people’s lives when they arise. I go through the days doing the things that are necessary, the things that are expected; going through the motions almost robotically. How long am I going to feel this way? Is there anything to bring me back? Am I destined to go through the rest of my days just a shell of the person I was. Surely not.